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Monday, August 2, 2010

Lessons Learned in Passive Aggressiveness - Anyone Want a Honey Bun?

This Dude is a Crack Up

If you ever meet this dude, ask him about the jinx monkey that I took hostage.

I survived another weekend with the kids. I can't believe it--and I am super excited--that school starts in just three weeks! For the first time in eight years I will have complete silence during the day. Imagine this coming from the mom who took her kids out of school one week early because she was upset that school didn't end until June 10th last school year.

Friends, I have learned my lesson.

I tried homeschooling and things were going great until we went to Utah on vacation. Since we've come back I've wanted to pull my hair out and even entertained the thought of paying to put myself in jail for a week just to have a break from the kids. I figured a jail trip would be fitting along with my attempt to lose weight since they feed our prisoners one honey bun for breakfast (my favorite!) and one burrito for lunch and one burrito for dinner. I figure that's only around 1200 calories. Plus I've gotten the grand tour of the new jail and dude it looks fine. But there's something about having a criminal record and possibly being someone's mate that kept me away from the poky...I mean, does Taco Bell hire workers with criminal records?

And the only reason I know what they feed our prisoners for meals is because the cops in my town tried to make jail food sound bad when I attended their citizen's police academy a couple years ago. Personally, I don't think it was anything different than what I ate when I was in college minus that one roommate that tried to get me to eat healthfully and ended up having me buy all her food. She was also the roommate that skipped out on our white glove cleaning job at the end of our freshman semester at Ricks/BYU-Idaho to get knocked up by her boyfriend that everyone else thought was a creep.

Which reminds me about another roommate I had in college who got so pissed off at me for not going to Michigan with her for Christmas that she took her shoe off and threw it at me! That's one thing former President Bush and I have in common: People throwing shoes at us. The other is that we both talk funny.

But I got that roommate back when she invited some brethren (okay, this means hot college guys our age) over to give her a blessing so, as I heard her say as I fake-slept in my bed, "she wouldn't be mad at me anymore." I was feeling passive aggressive laying there in my bed as I heard her talk badly about me to these guys that I got up out of bed and walked into the hallway where they could all see me from the living room in my underwear and bra and sleepily stumbled into the bathroom. Besides embarrassing myself just a little, it got those guys out of there faster than a golden convert rushing to the baptismal font.

I also called the cops on a door to door salesman last week for what I thought were shady selling tactics. This isn't the first time I've utilized my local police department when door to door salesmen strike. I pretty much got paranoid after the last guy got catty with me for not giving him money for him to "go to college." When the po-po caught up with him they ran his record and found out he had a warrant out for his arrest for aggravated burglary of a habitation. So now you understand my paranoia.

Luckily for those that live with me now, I have learned to not get passive aggressive towards those I live with. I mean, if I love them I should be nice to them right? I reserve my wrath only for people that I don't have to see every day. Like creepy cashiers, door to door salesmen, and mother truckers (I swear if she calls my house for me to be her human GPS one more time I am giving her bad directions).

Although maybe I should make an exception with my kids and feed them meatloaf and tomato casserole for a week just to show them who's boss. However, I've got a feeling that'll totally backfire on me when they stuff it behind the fridge and I don't find it for week but only do because of the putrescent stink.

Yup, my kids totally know how to work me.

Thank heavens for them and me that school starts in three weeks.

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DangGina said...

Oh man, roommates can totally suck! I had one lie to the entire apartment about being raped by about the nicest guy in the world (at Ricks College, no less). I felt so bad for the dude! He got called into the Dean's office and questioned about a recent date he went on...oh, what a mess! Long story short, we got rid of that roommate and made friends with the "rapist." (I'm a good judge of character, and getting rid of the habitual liar and making friends with her date was one of the best things I did that year!)

Yeah...I'd say don't do the passive-aggressive thing with your children, it could totally screw up your life.

Although it might make for an entertaining blog post...

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

Jail. hmmmmm. Yes, some days it does sound like a good alternative. It never occurred to me to call the police about a door to door salesman. That sounds like fun!

Screwed Up Texan said...

DangGina, what a story to tell! Youch! That's just crazy.

Mindee, Door to door salespeople just freak me out now.

Vanessa said...

I had the most annoying roommate that would always go to our FHE brothers for blessings. She was an attention whore and drove me nuts.

I have some passive aggressive tendencies with those that are close to me. But I can tell total strangers where to go. Go figure.

Screwed Up Texan said...

Vanessa, "attention whore" I like that descriptor.

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