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Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Never Play with Your Husband's Deer Knife in Bed

Knife and Tomatoes


Sometime last week or maybe the week before I got the great idea to use my husband's deer knife to cut peaches in bed. Now normally I don't eat in bed because I have this big deal with trying to go to sleep and not being able to because of the crumbs that always end up in bed and make me scratch and feel gross and not be able to sleep, but my kids are always eating all the fruit in the house before I get a chance to try any so I thought I'd be clever and hide a bag of 50 cent per pound peaches in my underwear drawer. Oh come on, don't act like you've never done that before.

(And how's that for a run-on sentence?)

After we had put the boys down for the fifth time that night, I lifted up some bras and undies and grabbed myself a peach. Since I was all alone in bed and I didn't want to walk to the kitchen to get a kitchen knife since I'm lazy, I looked up in my husband's bed cabinet (yes, we have one of those stupid beds) and took one of his deer knives. I then sat at the end of the bed so as to avoid getting juices in the bed and proceeded to cut and eat my peach.

Then my husband came waltzing out of the shower and so I quickly dropped the knife on the covers and put my head on the pillow so he would not have a chance to realize I had just been using one of his deer knives. To cut a peach.

To seal the deal I then began trying to act hot in bed. I just knew if he wanted to play in bed then I'd be off the hook if he did discover the knife. We both started having fun and pretty soon I forgot all about that deer knife that was also still opened at the foot of the bed on top of the covers. Then, as my husband really began to get to know me, I screamed out in pain.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! Crap! What the crap! And then I started crying.

I started crying because sticking into the top of my foot was my husband's deer knife.

I think it touched my bone.

Then my dear husband started laughing at me while he carefully pulled the knife out of my foot. He then went over to the bathroom sink and washed my blood off his knife while I sat on the end of the bed wailing in pain because I had just stabbed myself. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate blood? Probably has something to do with working at Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year in high school.

I think I can safely say my plan backfired.

Once I got the nerve to look at my foot I realized it probably could use a suture or two, and if I had been one of my kids then I probably would have been on my way to the doctor, but well I felt too embarrassed to go to the doctor for me. I mean, what was I supposed to say? "Yep Doc, I stabbed my foot with a knife while making love to my husband." Because I'm sadistic like that. So we butterflied the stab wound up and over a week later my wound has healed, but the bone is still bruised.

This is why your mama said never play with your husband's deer knife in bed.

22 Comments:

Jenny said...

While I have no Dr. Pepper in my house I would be totally willing to go buy you one just for sharing this hilarious story. Thanks for the laugh. Really, really funny.

FluffyChicky said...

Oh, my goodness. That is the best story I have ever heard.

I don't keep peaches in with my undies. But I do hide chocolate in there. No knives required to eat chocolate. :)

Lily Storm said...

OMG! Thank you for sharing. Tears are streaming down my face. LMAO

The Boob Nazi said...

I think it would've been fun to hear you explain that to your kids and/or doctor hahahaha

Mrs. Gambizzle said...

Loved this post! It was hilarious thanks for sharing even though it was probably embarrassing! :)

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

Your life is . . . wow. I can't believe you shared that, but I'm so glad you did!

Beth Zimmerman said...

I'm covering the reception desk so I'm sitting in the lobby and had to place my hand firmly across my mouth to keep from hooting aloud at this one! That was funny on all kids of levels! But I'm sorry you got hurt!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Jenny, I love you even more for that offer.

Fluffy Chicky, MMM chocolate...I'll have to keep that in mind.

Lily Storm, Youre welccome :)

Boob, Fun for them or for me?

Mrs. Gambizzle, Youre welcome.

Mindee, I learned my lesson, ha!

Beth, I can only imagine...glad you got a laugh!

Laurie said...

Too too funny! Thanks a million for sharing :)

Michelle Hoad said...

I've seen my husband give his deer knife a quick rinse with a water hose and pop that sucker back in his pocket. No way is four month old deer schmegma coming near a nice juicy peach of mine.

Screwed Up Texan said...

Laurie, No prob.

Michelle, I didnt even think of that!!!!

scrappin'soccermama said...

sorry but that is just too, too funny! Stick with chocolate in your undie drawer (much safer)

Screwed Up Texan said...

scrappin, Chocolate, check.

Jen said...

Oh my...ROFL I haven't laughed this hard in ages! Probably should not, but...LOL

Thanks for the warning.

I may have to promptly send this to family, too, you know, because most of them are hunters or have hunter husbands.

(Did he ever ask what in the world you were thinking? Peach? Deer knife? Maybe a mango, but...no, I won't give you ideas...)

So glad I found you on Twitter.

Jen said...

Oh my...ROFL I haven't laughed this hard in ages! Probably should not, but...LOL

Thanks for the warning.

I may have to promptly send this to family, too, you know, because most of them are hunters or have hunter husbands.

(Did he ever ask what in the world you were thinking? Peach? Deer knife? Maybe a mango, but...no, I won't give you ideas...)

So glad I found you on Twitter.

Queen Marzipan said...

Just randomly came across this blog and its awsome keep on rockin sister

BK said...

HA that's funny! I'll get you a Dr Pepper :) Ya, I agree with Michelle, I would have bleached the knife first...

Homesteadgirl said...

My children love the story "The Troll" by Julia Donaldson, but that's all I know about trolls. I LOVE stumbling across a blog that makes me howl with laughter. I've got to share this with my sisters.
You've got yourself a new follower!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Glad I could make everyone laugh with me...my husband says y'all are all laughing at me, but I know the difference :p

Dawn said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA....OMGosh, that could quite possibly be the MOST hilarious thing I have read in a long long long long time. A couple of months back my hubby found your blog and saved it thinking it would be something I would like, boy does that guy know me...I wait like a starving dog for you to write! lol By the way girl...for sharing that story you easily deserve a case or ten of Dr. Pepper!!!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Dawn, glad your husband turned you on to my blog...thanks for the comment!

ForeverRhonda said...

That's hilarious! I'm sorry about your foot, but it was a very entertaining story.

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