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Monday, May 24, 2010

Mother-in-Law Fights on Acid


Friday afternoon I sat at my office desk eating a big bag of circus peanuts trying to counteract my mother-in-law's dieting advice. Almost from the moment my mother-in-law and her boyfriend stepped foot into my home on Thursday afternoon she took every opportunity to give us advice on how to lose weight...all because she was fretting that she needs to lose one point nine pounds of weight. That's 1.9 pounds y'all.

I'm a stress eater can you tell?

In fact, what started it all was when my mother-in-law found herself alone in the kitchen with my husband, noticed the twenty-six pounds he's put on over the last nine years we've been married, and then grabbed his stomach and told him how fat he was.

Just in case you wondered, my husband weighs a whopping 146 pounds.

{Truthfully I weigh more than he does, but you can bet she wasn't about to grab my stomach because I would have jack slapped her to high noon.}

"Look how fat you've!" my mother-trucker-in-law exclaimed with a chuckle, obviously making fun of her son.

So I intruded with a "Well that's because I'm such a good cook. He likes my cooking."

She remarked, "Well, if you two would eat more alkaline foods and stop eating acidic foods then you could lose weight. You know that acidic foods cause all kinds of problems and diseases for people...diabetes, cancer, neurosis, lethargy, and more."

Oh my word people--this is why she and I will never get along. Ever.

We spent a couple hours showing my husband's mother and her boyfriend around town before my kids went from not only fighting in the backseat to complaining that they were starving to death (can you tell that I hate it that my sons' school feeds them lunch at 10:15 am). So we decided we'd find a restaurant that we could all go to for the evening.

Of course I knew this wasn't going to be an easy feat, but I never expected what was about to happen.

My mother-in-law: "What kinds of places to you guys have that serve salads and fish? We'd love catfish if there's a good restaurant around,"

I suggested a couple restaurants that serve fish, to which she found reasons not to like.

Me: "Well how about Tex-Mex or Mexican then?

Her: "No, too acidic."

Me: "Italian then?"

Her: "Too acidic."

Me: "Sorry, we just don't go out to eat very often because of the boys. If we do go out it's McDonald's."

Her: "Oh! That's the worst food there is! That'll make you fat right quick!"

Me in my head: Yah, but it makes the kids shut-up and it's cheap.

Her: "How about Chinese? Do you guys have a good Chinese buffet around here?"

My husband: "Well we have one off of Main Street..."

Me: "But I don't know if it's acidic or not."

Her: "Well let's go there then."

So we went to the Chinese Buffet and ate to our hearts content. I'm the only one who ordered something besides water to drink (a Dr Pepper thank you), and I am also the only one who ate five of these things:


After much gagging that is. After the first one, the rest were easy.

My husband and I just made sure to point out the Weight Watchers right next to the Chinese Buffet afterward. Well because it was funny and passive aggressive all at the same time.


Take that mother trucker.


Anonymous said...

Ugh that sounds so annoying! I love the part about not knowing if the chinese food was acidic lol!! I feel ya though my mother-in-law and I do NOT get along either! Have a great day!

Becky said...

How sad to have a MIL like that. Good grief. Now, looking at that seafood makes me glad I am allergice to shellfish! I love shrimp and lobster (darn it) and oriental food but the octopus looks really really gross!

Candance said...

Oh, that made me remember why I'm glad I don't have a MIL anymore. My former MIL got mad at me cause I wouldn't let her smoke in my house and we were sending her ass back to AR for being a bitch, so she went in my kids' bathroom and lit one up, crushed it out and smeared the soot around the sink and then threw it in the toilet and left it there for me to find. Crazy old bitch. The mere thought of another MIL is one of the reasons I'm resistant to marriage.

Love that acidic food thing. You're hilarious!

Foursons said...

I HATE when people feel it is OK to comment on someone else's weight gain.

We have a Weight Watchers right next to Coldstone Creamery and it makes me crack up every single time.

Vanessa said...

I would have yelled at you for the Circus Peanuts. I didn't even know they still made those...and that people still ate them :)

I would tell her to shut the truck up.

Michelle Hoad said...

I am SSSOOOOO glad I don't have my ex mother in law to deal with anymore. She would throw out those passive aggressive compliments that are actually a horrible insults. Beotch. With a capital B

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

I may have to appreciate my MIL just a smidgen more after reading this.

But just a smidgen.

Screwed Up Texan said...

Candance, Oh no she didnt!! My goodness!

Foursons, Mmmm I get Circus Peanuts every chance I can get. Love them (and probably the only thing my MIL and I have in common besides disliking each other although I bet she won't admit it.

Weekend Cowgirl said...

You would have loved my MIL. She was a great cook and provided us with many wonderful meals! We also used to go out to eat with her!! We had good food memories!!!

I love Dr. Pepper too!

Christy said...

wow, craziness! I'm glad I get along a bit better with my MIL. thanks for sharing stories with us!

DangGina said...

Oh. My. Hell. I'm so glad I don't have to deal with your mother in law. (Here's to hoping and praying that when I get hitched, the fella's mom ain't like YOUR fella's mom!) Seriously, all the talk about weight...DAMN, it gets to me. I say, "Live and let live!" And I also say, "Ignorance is bliss!"

I love me some acidic food.

Bless your little heart for not throttling her to kingdom come right there on the spot!

Paula said...

I love octopus. And squid. Good for you!

Roseanne Cash tweeted earlier today, actually, about how people that proselytize about food are just about as annoying as people that do it about religion. Or perhaps exactly as annoying.

I may enjoy water with my meal...but I'm sure as heck not going to make anybody feel bad about ordering a soda! Or drinking vinegar straight from the bottle! (She wants acidic? I'll show her acidic...)

Don't let her get ya down!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Paula, that was so funny I had to read it to my husband!

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