You might be a redneck if...
Once upon a time I had a pet goat. Let me rephrase that. Once upon a time I had two pet midget goats. I'm not really sure why in my newlywed reasoning I thought it would be super cool to have goats as pets, but alas I did. Probably had something to do with my husband in his ingenuity begging and begging me each time we drove over Soldier Summit from Price, Utah on our way to Spanish Fork to stop and look at the goats on the farm off the side of the road.
He promised me they would naturally "mow the grass".
One day I just had enough and obliged him.
So we pulled off the road and kindly asked to see the goats for sale. Then the lucky baby goat that would soon be ours ran up to us and nudged my man on the leg. My husband was sold. My husband was also easy. That's how we obtained midget goat Numero Uno.
A week later, we decided to buy another miniature goat so as not make our first goat lonely. He needed a playmate we determined. So we scoured the newspaper ads and the talk radio stations until we found someone local to sell us a another goat. Naturally we wanted another boy goat seeing as I had a newborn and didn't want these midget goats having any babies of their own. I knew I'd have my hands full already.
We went over to the old farmer's house just on the other side of the railroad tracks. He was selling goats. He was also dirty. And very smelly. He had three teeth. Most of all, he was drunk off his rocker.
He had two baby goats in a dusty pin. We reminded him that we only wanted a boy miniature goat since we didn't want any little baby goats in the future. He dropped his can of beer on the ground, got up off his wooden chair, and then waddled into the pen with the goats all while holding his beer belly up and trying not to fall at the same time. He was going to try to catch one of those goats dagnabbit. I knew it was going to be funny.
Finally he caught a goat, flipped it over to check its privates, and then proclaimed, "Um hmm...this is definitely a boy like you want. Besides, my wife will kill me if I sell you the female!" We paid him, we grabbed our new goat, and we got out of there as fast as we could. We were fixing to introduce midget goat Numero Dos to his new brother goat Numero Uno waiting for us at home.
We loved these little
About four months after we bought the two miniature goats, my husband's ten year old cousin came over to see them. We had stopped bottle feeding the goats at this point and they were mostly staying outside because I was done picking up cocoa pebbles five times a day. My husband's cousin began playing with the goats and I was giving him the low down on how we bought them and how we were sure glad that we got two boy goats when he said, "Um, are you sure you got two males?"
"Well of course," I replied. "We made the sellers check."
"Did you ever check yourself? You know, look at their privates? I think this one is a girl."
You know, it had never occurred to me in the last four months to check the goats myself. I thought for sure that drunken farmer was afraid enough of his wife that he would not even dare think about selling us the female. Sure enough though, that drunk farmer had sold us a girl midget goat.
What I learned from this life experience:
1.) Do not indulge in your redneck tendencies and allow goats to live inside your single wide with you.
2.) Never trust a drunk farmer.
3.) Double check, double check, double check before ever paying for something you may regret later. This goes for marriage, renting or purchasing a home, and paying for fast food.
4.) I am not smarter than a fifth grader.
5.) My kids are doomed. Wait. I forgot about how my nearly eight year old boy is still legally a girl because of the goof-up on his Utah state birth certificate.
6.) Utahns need better sex education.
7.) Men will do anything to get out of mowing the grass.
PS: Be thinking about all those great posts you're reading this week! Remember, this Friday is the second edition of Friday Post Shout Out where you list your favorite posts of the week from others on your blog, come back here and link up on MckLinky so we can all read the good stuff in Blogland. Can't wait!! I already have a couple of you in mind!