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Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Never Trust a Drunk Farmer

You might be a redneck if...

Once upon a time I had a pet goat. Let me rephrase that. Once upon a time I had two pet midget goats. I'm not really sure why in my newlywed reasoning I thought it would be super cool to have goats as pets, but alas I did. Probably had something to do with my husband in his ingenuity begging and begging me each time we drove over Soldier Summit from Price, Utah on our way to Spanish Fork to stop and look at the goats on the farm off the side of the road.

He promised me they would naturally "mow the grass".

One day I just had enough and obliged him.

So we pulled off the road and kindly asked to see the goats for sale. Then the lucky baby goat that would soon be ours ran up to us and nudged my man on the leg. My husband was sold. My husband was also easy. That's how we obtained midget goat Numero Uno.

A week later, we decided to buy another miniature goat so as not make our first goat lonely. He needed a playmate we determined. So we scoured the newspaper ads and the talk radio stations until we found someone local to sell us a another goat. Naturally we wanted another boy goat seeing as I had a newborn and didn't want these midget goats having any babies of their own. I knew I'd have my hands full already.

We went over to the old farmer's house just on the other side of the railroad tracks. He was selling goats. He was also dirty. And very smelly. He had three teeth. Most of all, he was drunk off his rocker.

He had two baby goats in a dusty pin. We reminded him that we only wanted a boy miniature goat since we didn't want any little baby goats in the future. He dropped his can of beer on the ground, got up off his wooden chair, and then waddled into the pen with the goats all while holding his beer belly up and trying not to fall at the same time. He was going to try to catch one of those goats dagnabbit. I knew it was going to be funny.

Finally he caught a goat, flipped it over to check its privates, and then proclaimed, "Um hmm...this is definitely a boy like you want. Besides, my wife will kill me if I sell you the female!" We paid him, we grabbed our new goat, and we got out of there as fast as we could. We were fixing to introduce midget goat Numero Dos to his new brother goat Numero Uno waiting for us at home.

We loved these little midget miniature goats almost as much as we loved our Alaskan Malamute dogs. Sometimes I think our malamutes would get jealous when we'd take the midget goats inside our single wide, gate off the kitchen, and let them romp around inside the kitchen. Once, our stove broke and we had to have a gas stove repairman come over. He was decidedly shocked to see and have to work around two little goats in our tiny rust colored kitchen. Especially when they'd nudge his buttcrack.

About four months after we bought the two miniature goats, my husband's ten year old cousin came over to see them. We had stopped bottle feeding the goats at this point and they were mostly staying outside because I was done picking up cocoa pebbles five times a day. My husband's cousin began playing with the goats and I was giving him the low down on how we bought them and how we were sure glad that we got two boy goats when he said, "Um, are you sure you got two males?"

"Well of course," I replied. "We made the sellers check."

"Did you ever check yourself? You know, look at their privates? I think this one is a girl."

You know, it had never occurred to me in the last four months to check the goats myself. I thought for sure that drunken farmer was afraid enough of his wife that he would not even dare think about selling us the female. Sure enough though, that drunk farmer had sold us a girl midget goat.

What I learned from this life experience:

1.) Do not indulge in your redneck tendencies and allow goats to live inside your single wide with you.
2.) Never trust a drunk farmer.
3.) Double check, double check, double check before ever paying for something you may regret later. This goes for marriage, renting or purchasing a home, and paying for fast food.
4.) I am not smarter than a fifth grader.
5.) My kids are doomed. Wait. I forgot about how my nearly eight year old boy is still legally a girl because of the goof-up on his Utah state birth certificate.
6.) Utahns need better sex education.


7.) Men will do anything to get out of mowing the grass.

PS: Be thinking about all those great posts you're reading this week! Remember, this Friday is the second edition of Friday Post Shout Out where you list your favorite posts of the week from others on your blog, come back here and link up on MckLinky so we can all read the good stuff in Blogland. Can't wait!! I already have a couple of you in mind!


Vanessa said...

I think we have to break up. Goats? It's over.

Taylor-Made Wife said...

Do they really "mow" the grass for you? Because that's what my husband keeps trying to sell me on.

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

Utahns? Really? I'm LMAO. My kids want a goat. Thanks for the 411 on checking their business & drunk farmers!

Stacie said...

I would love to know your husband's technique. I'm having a hard time convincing my husband we need a CAT.

Missy said...

I had been thinking about buying goats until I read this post. Just kidding. Very cute thanks for sharing.

DangGina said...

You know what? Those midget goats are some of God's cutest creations.

Also, I laughed all the way through this post. Truly.

When you told of the drunken farmer holding up his beer belly as he waddled away, a visual came to mind. Still laughing over that there concept too...

Gloria said...

HAHA At one time, while living on 5 1/2 acres, I too wanted a goat or two. Hubby said no! So I just settled for bunnies, chickens and ducks! I sure did miss out huh?

Gloria said...

HAHA At one time, while living on 5 1/2 acres, I too wanted a goat or two. Hubby said no! So I just settled for bunnies, chickens and ducks! I sure did miss out huh?

PennsylvaniaBelle said...

Reminds me of the time my friend took her cat, Geniveve to the vet and discovered he was a Gene!

Mindee said...

So did you end up with even more goats?

Kristi said...

Those minature goats are cute! If we had a bigger yard, I'd seriously consider getting a couple.

Screwed Up Texan said...

Vanessa, NOOOOO! :)

Taylor-Made, I should as a No. 7 to my list of things I learned, A Man Will Do Anything To Get Out Of Mowing the Grass.

But yes.

Semi-Slacker Mom, Just be careful of the goat'll give you a black eye.

Stacie, One Word: Nagging.

Missy, You werent kidding? You could be kidding. Kidding. Get it (like goats). Fine. Ima dork.

DangGina, You should have seen the fine set of teeth he had in his mouth. Yes, that beer belly was huge! Huger than my uncle's in fact.

Gloria, Oh you missed out in deed! Then again you had rabbits and they leave equal amounts of turds.

Penn Belle, What?! Ha! (Then again I can't make fun of her can I?)

Mindee, Fortunately we moved to Texas shortly after that. We couldnt take the goats with us. Grandpa had to sell them back on the talk radio station for us.

Kristi, Better get some rock chomping goats. Hee hee. :)

blessedintexas said...

Awesome post! You always crack me up!

Foursons said...

Wow. I'm speechless. And I'm very rarely speechless. So how many goats did you end up with?

FluffyChicky said...

Is checking out a goat like that considered harassment?

Just wondering.

Not that I plan to go check out goats or anything later.



PennsylvaniaBelle said...

Maybe I'm crazy but I can never tell, I mean I know you look at their bottoms, but they are furry. I feel uncomfortable lookin at animal hoo-hoos!

Steph said...

Ok - loving your posts! Soldier Summit, Price, Spanish Fork. All those caught my eye and I think we actually bought our goat from the same guy you may be talking about there in Heber. LOL
Also, thanks for sharing your story on becoming Mormon. I was born and raised in Utah and my struggle hasn't necessarily been to loose my faith but that it just sorta 'sits there' ya know. And I'm glad you're posting about it. I just started my blog and I've also noticed some don't always talk about it within the actual 'guts' of theirs.
Anway - long enough comment eh! lol

Screwed Up Texan said...

Blessed in Texas, Thanks! I love making people's tummies ache from laughing.

Foursons, Oh wow, even I dont know what to say now.

FluffyChicky, I'm not sure...but it sure feels like it.

Penn Belle, I still freak out when I see my dog's woohoo. Anatomy was never my thing. Unless its nude drawing.

Steph, next time you go down Hwy 6 remember me please :) Oh and that's a tough subject. I was sweating after I published it.

Alex said...


I always wanted a goat too. But I wasn't allowed *pout*

I did once have a cat than we were told was a female.... No one ever looked (he was fluffy) lol He was a girl for years until he went to the vet.... lol did we feel like fools or what?!?! :o)

Robyn said...

I think we must be relatives!!! :)

I have to admit, I had a couple of pet goats when I was younger. AND... they were hilarious to watch.

Little Buddy wants one now. He wants fainting goats. I think so he can harrass them and make them faint all the time.

Being from the South, I completely understand the "Don't Trust a Drunk Farmer." They get ya every time!

Victor | UPrinting said...

Well, I was planning to buy a pair too. I always wanted to build a small farm. The mowing the grass is just a plus though :-)

Becky said...

I knew it was going to be a female, just knew it! That is so funny. Do you still have the goats? I live in the country and have never wanted a goat. Horse, yes but hubby is a big downer on that. Thanks for sharing your story!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Alex! Ha! You sound like Penn Belle above!

Robyn, Wait...goats will faint? You mean like opossums?

Victor, I knew it!

Becky, I am becoming rather predictable eh? LOL

Alex said...

:o) we have fainting goats in Australia! They are hysterical to watch! One minute they're up and walkin' around.... the next minute they hit the deck!

I can understand why a child would want one LOL!!

Nancy said...

Ha! I love this. My husband duped me into getting two pygmy goats as well when we were first married, and while catching them when they snuck over to our neighbors to eat all their plants was nearly impossible, I have to admit, those goats were hilarious to watch -- especially the way they'd run down a hill with their back legs flipping from side to side like little skiers.

Screwed Up Texan said...

Nancy, that's so funny that we both had pygmy goats! They're little stinkers aren't they?

ForeverRhonda said...

I've had pet goats too and I just got read an article this morning about how it's becoming en vogue to keep mini pet goats! There was a lawsuit regarding pet goats inside city limits somewhere in N. Carolina!!! Crazy!

texasholly said...

uh...I don't think I would have known to check either. ugh.

Ashley said...

Too funny. My husband's aunt tried to sell us some goats when we got married last year and moved out to the country. She thought they could eat all the grass and then we wouldn't have to mow as much. But we passed.

Hen Jen said...

I am rolling over this post!

when I was little, I begged my dad to get me a pair of rabbits, they were supposed to be both can guess what happened,ha!

there is a mythbusters episode about the feinting goats, it's hilarious!

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