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Friday, February 5, 2010

Cleansing is Good for the Soul


Note: If you are arriving to this post from some perverted entry in a search engine, you will probably not find what you are looking for. Like that one time I wrote about my apron fetish which isn't really a fetish, but rather the fact that I love aprons. When I wrote that post in September of 2008 I had no idea what a fetish was. In other words, you will be sorely disappointed. Now moving along...

Thursday I spent all day baking brownies with cherries, toffee sauce, and chocolate, and then making scented bath salts and sugar scrubs to giveaway to the ladies in my church's Relief Society meeting last night. I reaped the rewards of my labors through eating at least five-thousand extra calories and listening to a lady at church who works in geriatrics give us ladies a talk on cleansing ourselves well by reminding us to "spread our vulvas" and "not douche".

Honestly, that is all I remember from her lesson.

Honestly, I think that is all anyone remembers from her lesson.

Let's just say it is a lesson I will never ever ever ever forget.

Kind of like when I was a teenager and another teen came up to the pulpit during our worship services to bear her testimony and instead of saying gentiles, she had a Freudian Slip. Or when my husband's six year old cousin  who had just finished watching Austin Powers got up to bear her testimony and instead talked about Fat Bastard's mangina.

(And this my friends is why I don't dare bear my testimony, because I can't trust what would come out of my own mouth. I do it for all y'all's better good. Yes, I am not just a Latter-day Saint, but also a saint.)

Now I would like to close this blog post with the testimony that at least thirty women now know how to cleanse themselves better, that I have never watched Austin Powers mostly because I hate the name Fat Bastard, and that one day the gentiles will come back to the fold.

Oh and that I share the same birthday with Mini Me.

PS: This blog post has been pre-read and approved by our friends on Twitter. If you feel at all offended, blame them. Then again, I better not tell you who they are. However, you can thank @ziptheusa for the title to this post.

24 Comments:

Pippa said...

That is one great RS Lesson. You almost make me want to go to Church this Sunday...

Cindy said...

This is laugh out loud with a cherry on the top greatness! Can't wait to see the blog traffic this picks up with some most unusual key wording. So glad I could help contribute to this hilarity.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

Oh my! This is funny--not what we usually hear from church!
Thanks for posting!
Lisaindallas

Connie said...

Wowie wow wow, Allie. You get more unsolicited advice than anyone I know.
I just thank my lucky stars that you decide to share it all, with your own special recipe of interpretation. It's your unique filter that keeps me reading!

And to end with hoping that: "...gentiles will one day come back to the fold." Well, that's just plain genius.
Thanks for helping me lose weight today, by making me spit out my lunch as I read this. Owe you one, my friend.

Bruce Nunnally said...

Wow, the brownies look terrific!

I am amused by the occurrence, although often distraught by the result, when people tell me stories that burn themselves into my mind. Hopefully with more brownie baking your mind will be cleansed of the Relief Society talk.

Le'Ann Ruggles said...

OMG! I have got to stop reading your blog during my lunch hour. I think I just aspirated an orange slice! *cough*

Kristi said...

LOL! You made my day! Aren't Relief Society meetings interesting? I don't think I'd forget that one, either.

Le'Ann Ruggles said...

Oh... and if I ever get up to your neck of the piney woods, can I go to church with you? :)

suzicate said...

What a lesson to take with you!

Stacie said...

On that note: my dad was asked to bless the offering one Sunday. In front of everyone he prayed that God would "feed the naked."

And he will never live that down.

Ever.

ForeverRhonda said...

Maybe my blog will get more traffic if I use better catch phrases! Hmmm things to consider!

This post was awesomely funny and those brownies look great...will I find the recipe at screwed up texan recipes? And are you ever going to publish a cookbook? You could ya know!

Ilina said...

Ha ha ha! I'll keep those lessons in mind.

DangGina said...

Holy crap, those cherry chocolate toffee things look AMAZING!

I like Austin Powers, but only for Dr. Evil; he makes me laugh like a child every time. -I could do without some of the stuff within the films, though...

Still laughing over the Freudian slip about "gentiles"...I'm pretty sure I know what she said. Ha!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Thanks to everyone who has commented so far! I'm still laughing over it!

ForeverRhonda, I just posted the recipe on my recipe site.

Stacie, That is AWESOME what your dad said. I wouldnt let him live it down either. Ha!

nicole said...

That is weird and funny. I definitely don't want to get that kind of info at a church meeting. Just sayin'.

designHER Momma said...

I seriously looked at that picture and got the chills. Good chills...

Foursons said...

Hahaha- gentiles. :D

Karen said...

I don't know how you survived that lesson. The twelve year old would have come out in me. Snickering and blushing. Then again, you survived being in the same ward as your gyno. One day I hope to have your composure.

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

Oh how I loathe the word, "vulva".

Screwed Up Texan said...

Mindee, Like one of my auto friends said: "I'll never think of a Volvo the same way again."

NitWit1 said...

I need to change churches; I never got such life saving advice in my church, but since I am a Senior Citizen I probably missed that stuff. The teenagers tell me their lessons and classes in church are far more interesting than I remembered that age class to be.

Very humorous post and the brownies really look tasty enough to fall off my diet!

Alex said...

Ohhhhhh I have to jion a Relief Society in my area LOL!!!!

Jana said...

spread my vulva. Good to know. Ill take that into consideration! hahahahah! too funny.

Morgan Familia said...

Oh my gosh, I love your blog - I saw your comment on Boob Nazi and had to jump over here to find out about you. Yummy praline recipe, BTW.
We never have interesting RS meetings like this.

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