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Saturday, January 16, 2010

Making Contact with an Amorous Old Man



So, remember the old man from the airplane that gave me a two-and-a-half hour long sex talk on my way to Detroit? You remember--the one that told me about how I need to "take charge in my sexual life." Well, he called me.

I did not answer.



So, he left me a voicemail (know this, if I knew how to record and upload voicemail, I'd put it here right now).

I ignored it, because a lot of you freaked me out and made me second guess myself into thinking that maybe this guy was some sort of pervert or sociopath, which would be quite possible knowing my luck. Remember, I do have a porn producer living next door to me.

After I ignored him long enough (three hours), he sent me an email:

what was the title of the book you had / the authors name / and where it can be purchased?
"The Princess "(something)

I hope that toboggan kept your neck warm. (oh yah, he gave me a gift too.)

We went straight from the airport to a car then to the hotel so I didn't need it.  I will contact you at the end of the month either by e mail or cel



Not that I needed the last line of information from him, but there you have it--the purpose of his visit to Detroit. And I can almost bet you he did not use Viagra, especially once I read his response to my follow-up email:

The name of the book is The Princess Bride by William Goldman. You can purchase it here.

You can also buy it at Barnes and Noble.

The link above will also give you the option of downloading it to Kindle if you own the portable device.

The toboggan did keep my neck warm--thank you! That was very kind of you to give it to me.

Hope you had a good time with your lady friend and everything worked out well for both of you at the hotel.

So, I must ask the following question since it does seem quite unusual that two strangers (especially a young lady and an older man) would talk about such an intimate subject on an airplane and I hope you are not offended by my asking: You aren't a pervert that is going to try to hook up with me or a killer are you? Dammit, I can be rather naive with my Mormon background and all.

PS: If you are interested in dating me or killing me, I am not interested. I have too many rules to break and so much going for me right now. In fact, I plan on living to the ripe age of 80...at least.

PPS: The Chief of Police and I are friends.

To which he responded: (my comments in italics)


First: "Young lady" I would hope you have your sights set on more than 80 years. (Is he calling me old for being 29 here?)

Second: The weekend was one of life's experiences that can't be described in words. You can't anticipate what 40 years of waiting can do for a relationship. It is amazing how age can become a non factor at a time like this. (What a romantic.)


Third: I am glad the toboggan kept you warm (Anyone want a toboggan?)

Fourth: Do not worry about any intimate relationships, as you well know my relationships take 4o years af anticipation to be meaningful, successful, and enjoyable. (He works it slow...what lady wouldn't want that?)

Fifth:  I would have liked to share my Morman stories with you, you can't imagine what it was like to fly them to all of the prisons in Utah, Wyoming, and Idaho. If you want to see real Mormonism just get into a thunderstorm in the mountains under icing conditions. They were some of the most interesting and lovable people I ever met. I still can't imagine what it would be like to have 10 wives with PMS all at once. (But I want to be first wife! Big Love is my hero. See postscript.)

Finally: I am going to store you in my memory as one of life's treasures.  Remember what I told you about taking control of the situation. "This activity is not over until I say it is!" You will really thank me when you are my age, believe me. I thank my mentor for teaching me that at age 15 and it has lasted all of these years. I will e-mail you after I secure a copy of the "Princess Bride"and tell you what I think of your skills as a literary critic. (I'm so honored.)



I'm sure I'll be hearing from him in a couple weeks if not sooner. Dear Lord help me. If I go missing, you know who did it. On the other hand, this does make for good blogging.

PS: Mormons (at least my kind) don't have multiple wives. If so, the old man is correct in that ten wives all with PMS would be hell on earth especially if they were all like me. Like I told the guy at the Verizon store today, I'm only patient three weeks out of the month. On the other hand, technically I'd be first wife and could make all the other wives my sister slaves and you know I'd totally rock that.

PPS: Anyone want a toboggan?

PPPS: I got a Droid today...my very first smartphone. I'll be having a funeral for my cutephone later. First place I went to: Walmart, because I can buy the same dang thing on a Walmart shelf half-price. Well mostly so I could check into Gowalla.

12 Comments:

Becky said...

I can't believe you gave your phone number to a perfect (or not so perfect) stranger! But sounds like he might be pretty benign. Great adventure!

Foursons said...

OK, I'm going to have to go back and read all your comments on the other post 'cause apparently they were the exact opposite of what I commented. Maybe I'm a naive non-Mormon. Humpfh. Whatever. I still think it's hilarious and you're right- G.R.E.A.T. blog fodder.

Screwed Up Texan said...

Becky, Neither can I :(

Foursons, You've totally lost me. LOL!

Karen said...

Oh....that is AWESOME!! I can hardly wait to hear how the next correspondence goes.......

For me personally, if I have to have this kind of conversation with somebody older, I would much rather it be with a stranger than my MOTHER. Yuck....I don't want to know....please don't elude to any of that. As far as I am concerned, my parents were intimate 5 times and that was it. Anyway....things I should leave for my blog, but my mom reads that. Let me try again, things I should keep to myself.

Cindy said...

What is it with you and older men? I seem to recall a wrong phone number that led to another May/December connection. Put your track shoes on if he asks you to call him Daddy. Fun stuff, and your blog is always good for a chuckle.

Expat From Hell said...

This is turning out to be quite the story. Sort of like meeting a modern-day Obi Wan Kenobe. His perspective on life (and on relationships) seems rather enlightening. Your account makes it all the more readable. EFH

Connie Burke said...

Thanks for making me laugh HARD, right out loud, on a Sunday morning. I had some explaining to do to my family - but some things are just worth it.
I really hope you keep this dialogue going with Old Lascivious Dude, but just to be safe, I think we should all take turns "watching" you. So no more going to The Walmart on your own, I'm afraid.

NitWit1 said...

Being a very timid type I probably would never had spoken to the geezer. But it makes for interesting reading, but like others be exceedingly careful.

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

What in the heck is a tobaggan? I thought it was a kind of sled.

Amy @ Living Locurto said...

I really don't know what the heck I just read, but it made me laugh out loud. Thanks. Oh... and I hope you don't get killed also.

P.S.- I kind of wish there was a second wife around my house I need one to do the laundry.

ForeverRhonda said...

I have been known to befriend weird but kind strangers as well, and in moments of frenzy/weirdness/unthought on my part given out my number/email/etc. to them so I have been in your situation. I usually panic when they actually call, but he sounds like a harmless albeit odd old guy.

P.S. I'm with Amy on the not minding a second wife around the house to do some of the housework...dusting, laundry, ooohh and maybe she'll be a really good cook!

Alex said...

I have read this blog twice! On 2 separate days I might add.... I can't stop laughing!!!

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