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Friday, October 30, 2009

Takin' Care of Business

(The following is an actual question from one of my readers.)

Dear Screwed Up Texan,

How did you get to be so fabulous?

A. Well, to answer your most intriguing and inward looking inquiry, my friend, I'd have to say that my fabulousness comes from my ability to do many things that normal people just simply cannot. For instance, how many people do you know who are double-jointed/hyper-extensive in at least nine different places on their bodies? Better yet, how many people do you know who can fit themselves inside a suitcase after giving birth to three children as a talent and be proud of it?

That's what I thought.

Oh, and I have a pointed left ear. Beat that.

I'd end my discourse on my coolness here, but I'd rather not since I just looked in the mirror and my head hasn't quite swollen that big yet. Not that my head needs to get bigger since face masks already don't fit me all that well (and Halloween is coming up so I have to keep this in check, mmm kay?).

I hear some people think I am fabo because I have this awesome ability to annoy peacemakers and pacify angry turds. Case in point: a couple years ago a frumpy lady at the super cool Smacky D's in my neighboring town had the nerve to yell at me for not taking one of my children into the bathroom with me and his brother while his brother left a contribution for the town. She had the nerve to tell me that I was a terrible parent. A mouthful of angry words back to her for not minding her own business while I took care of business had her stomping out of Smacky D's before the door could smack her back on the rear. See, I'm a problem solver. Add that to my resume.

Most of all, I think my superb fabulousness comes from indulgence in my homemade apple pies. Really.

Go ahead, make yourself some...then one day you might be like me (and that may or may not be a good thing).

Now a Question from Me: How did you get to be so fabulous?


jmberrygirl said...

Kind of freaked out. You see, I'm fab because I'm double-jointed and have a pointy tip on my right ear! The double jointed, hypermobile down side is that I've also got Fibromyalgia. It's made me a stronger, more patient person on my good days and a braver, more honest person on my bad days.

Michelle Hoad said...

I am fabulous for many reasons. First, because I am your newest follower. Second, because even though I have the pig flu, I am still online, blogging and reading blogs. You just can't keep a godd girl down.

LeAnn said...

So with your pointed left ear you could go as a half-elf for Halloween. Just a thought.

Oh, and I am fabulous because I actually enjoy camping with Boy Scouts. Does that also make me crazy? ;)

andie said...

cool i'm double jointed too!!! I am only fab bc i am friends with you!!!

NitWit1 said...

At 73 most of my fab days are past. However, in the year 2000 I searched and found my biological family. One genetic deficiency, the absences of adult upper "eye teeth" as well as multitude of health problems led me to legally pursue my biological mother. My case was approved, and I found my family sans mother who was deceased. I am the identical image of my maternal grandmother, yes, absent the eyeteeth.

DangGina said...

Now this isn't to sound cocky or proud, but I have to wonder if your homemade apple pie is better than mine. It sure LOOKS awesome, but...I didn't really even LIKE apple pie until I came across the recipe I now call my own. :)

Know what? I just looked your recipe up and it's nearly identical to mine, except that I add a little squirt of lemon juice to mine.

I think I'll make a pie sometime this next week. So what if it's just me and one other soul under one roof? Pie was created for indulgence, yes?

the nightingale said...

Gosh, that looks for what makes me fab, I can keep a straight face when my children point at something in public - with their middle finger... beat that, girl!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Wow...these are some of the funniest comments I have gotten Ever!

Anonymous said...

Hello from Russia!
Can I quote a post "No teme" in your blog with the link to you?

Screwed Up Texan said...

Anon, I am not sure what you are requesting...perhaps email me with more details? screweduptexan{at}gmail{dot}com

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