Warning: This post brought to you by high doses of NyQuil and Dr Pepper. Bite me.
My Dearest Sister-in-Law,
I want to confess something to you this day: You see, I nearly stole those cute little white birds from your wedding reception this past June. Quite frankly I have a fetish for white birds. No, not that kind of fetish. Pier1 Imports had these cute little white bird salt and pepper shakers in their spring catalog, but they never carried them in their stores down here. I'm still mad at them for that minor infraction. I know, how silly and petty of me. I just can't help being angry though--after all a woman's fury is sharper than a thousand swords.
I must further confess my feelings of jealousy: You are so beautiful wearing your elegant wedding gown on your most memorable day. I remember myself looking rather frumpy. May you and your husband live a long and joyous life together. Please, oh please tease your husband so much it makes his hair fall out so he and his brother, my husband, will look alike and you and I will be the fairest ones in this family.
Or at least have children soon--that act alone ought to speed things up a little in the hair department.
Those teeth though, my dear sister, are the object of my new affection. I covet thy teeth. Please don't be mad at me for wishing I had your straight pearly whites, because I also envy Miss Dallas' teeth and I think she is okay with that.
Most of all, my blessed sister-in-law, remember to never wear wrap-style shirts after you have a baby or two. I did two years after I gave birth to my youngest and to this day I still have people ask me if I was pregnant in that photograph. I don't blame them for asking though. Seriously. Look at the photograph--I do look preggo.
Alas, I refuse to diet. Why?
My dearest sister-in-law, I know we don't speak much as we live so far away from each other, but I publicly want to let you know how much I am elated that you have joined our family. I acknowledge I am the Family Weirdo, but we are joined by a common bond. We may live one thousand miles apart--you in Utah and me in Texas--but it is our husband's family that ties us together.
And doesn't that make all of us weirdos?
I am okay with that. After all, God favors a peculiar people.
So what if He didn't mean it that way.
PS: Never mix NyQuil and Dr Pepper together.
PPS: I only edited the photos. I did not take them myself. But you already knew that.