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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Public Letter of Peculiarity



Warning: This post brought to you by high doses of NyQuil and Dr Pepper. Bite me.

My Dearest Sister-in-Law,

I want to confess something to you this day: You see, I nearly stole those cute little white birds from your wedding reception this past June. Quite frankly I have a fetish for white birds. No, not that kind of fetish. Pier1 Imports had these cute little white bird salt and pepper shakers in their spring catalog, but they never carried them in their stores down here. I'm still mad at them for that minor infraction. I know, how silly and petty of me. I just can't help being angry though--after all a woman's fury is sharper than a thousand swords.



I must further confess my feelings of jealousy: You are so beautiful wearing your elegant wedding gown on your most memorable day. I remember myself looking rather frumpy. May you and your husband live a long and joyous life together. Please, oh please tease your husband so much it makes his hair fall out so he and his brother, my husband, will look alike and you and I will be the fairest ones in this family.

Or at least have children soon--that act alone ought to speed things up a little in the hair department.



Those teeth though, my dear sister, are the object of my new affection. I covet thy teeth. Please don't be mad at me for wishing I had your straight pearly whites, because I also envy Miss Dallas' teeth and I think she is okay with that.



Most of all, my blessed sister-in-law, remember to never wear wrap-style shirts after you have a baby or two. I did two years after I gave birth to my youngest and to this day I still have people ask me if I was pregnant in that photograph. I don't blame them for asking though. Seriously. Look at the photograph--I do look preggo.



Alas, I refuse to diet. Why?

DIEt.

My dearest sister-in-law, I know we don't speak much as we live so far away from each other, but I publicly want to let you know how much I am elated that you have joined our family. I acknowledge I am the Family Weirdo, but we are joined by a common bond. We may live one thousand miles apart--you in Utah and me in Texas--but it is our husband's family that ties us together.

And doesn't that make all of us weirdos?

I am okay with that. After all, God favors a peculiar people.

So what if He didn't mean it that way.

Yours truly,

Allie

PS: Never mix NyQuil and Dr Pepper together.

PPS: I only edited the photos. I did not take them myself. But you already knew that.

14 Comments:

Halftime Lessons said...

LMAO

Even if you burn in hell for coveting your neighbor's wife, please know that you have inspired me to come clean to all those whom I admire.

Dear Tom DeLay, Mark Sanford, and Eliot Spitzer,

You live lives I can only dream of and admire from afar. Please know that you are an inspiration to me, and that I will teach my son to walk through life as you have done.
You complete me, and posters of your enlightened faces now adorn the walls of our formal living area next to my Cheryl Tiegs poster.

love, Jay

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

Allie, you're going to scare the poor girl away. Go take a nap!

Trac~ said...

She is a BEAUTIFUL bride - no wonder you adore her and are jealous! LOL Thanks for the idea of Dr. Pepper and Nyquil - I may just need to try that combination when I am in need of a cute/funny post one evening! HA HA HA! Have a great day! Hugs, Trac~ :o)

DangGina said...

Oh my heck, I love this public letter! I haven't been around in a while--things have gotten busy (they called me to be RSP! What the...?!) Anyway, this post was a lovely one to return to. You make me giggle...

Screwed Up Texan said...

Halftime Lessons, So happy I could inspire you. Doesnt it feel good to get it off your chest?

Mindee, You're probably right. On both accounts.

Trac~, Just remember not to take more than the full dose at one time. I did yesterday and it knocked me out cold.

DangGina, AWESOME! That would be RS Prez, right? What a lot of responsibility. You'll do great though!

Michele said...

This was great!!! I couldn't stop laughing. It was almost as if I could visually see you doing this. Your sis-in-law is lucky to have you! Keep up with the awesome humor. It's needed.
P.S. I LOVE TEXAS!!!!!

Candance said...

Your sis-in-law is lucky to have you. I wish I had one so fun and cool.

You could've brought your NyQuil drunk self here to play with my Sudafed stoned self and we would've had fun.

blessedintexas said...

What a hilarious post!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Michele, Glad I made you laugh...I wondered when I wrote it if I was only laughing cause I felt dopey.

Candance, That would be one interesting party. Very much indeed.

blessedintexas, I just hope she doesnt want to ring my neck for this one, lol.

Isle Dance said...

Awww...she is beautiful and so are you!

Kim Marx said...

Well said. What a nice welcome to your family.

Karen said...

Giggling......Your SIL is beautiful. You two are lucky to have each other. I have amazing SIL's. I would not trade any of of them.

Screwed Up Texan said...

Isle Dance, You are always so positive! That is what I love about you!

Kim Marx, she is a sweetheart...hopefully I dont scare her off too much.

Karen, Me too on the SIL thing. Now on other out-laws that is another subject.

Laurie Tossy said...

Thanks for this great letter to your SIL...what a fun read.

I am glad to see someone else has made the connection of DIEt!

When I was 300lb (give or take)I thought I would die...dieting only made it worse. So I made a conscious decision to neither die nor diet. I've now lost over 125lbs and am a healthy weight, off all medications and feel great.

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