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Monday, July 20, 2009

Like a Skunk on Caffeine


I didn't make it to church Sunday. 

I didn't make it to church Sunday, because I was so livid after I discovered my boys had not only completely destroyed the game room in some sort of twisted game of "Lets Makes Our Parental Units Even More Exasperated," but that they had also been the cause of the curious three week old odor downstairs.

For the past three weeks or so I have been in a Lysol spraying frenzy, squirting puffs of bacterial eradicator every five minutes in my kitchen like a skunk on caffeine. Something has smelled rancid in my 1970s mustard yellow kitchen for far too long--like a mixture between rotting pot roast and moldy socks dipped in onion juice. I checked under the microwave, I poured lemon juice down the disposal, and I even tossed the scrap bowl where I chunk fruit and vegetable pieces while preparing dinner.

The odor remained.

Finally, my husband in an effort to alleviate his anger caused by the kids dumping all the board games and their teeny tiny pieces onto the floor upstairs for the five-millionth time, took a washcloth and proceeded to scrub the kitchen floor on his hands and knees--and that's when we discovered the source of the rank emanation:

Those little twerps have been dumping their dinners behind the fridge.

Dried, yet oily, decaying pasta. Moldy, barbecued pork ribs. Mystery slime. Hardened, putrescent Walmart deli pizza.

I felt so ill after cleaning that mess that I couldn't make it to church. Then I asked myself the eternal question of why. Why?

Sorry if I just ruined your appetite.

35 Comments:

DangGina said...

My stomach turned just thinking of the smell you described...I'm sure I wouldn't've made it to church either! Take a deep breath and remember you love those boys, I suppose...

Amy @ Living Locurto said...

How do they come up with this stuff??? Boys are so gross!!

I discovered my son was too lazy to yell that we were out of toilet paper, so he just wiped on my white guest towels. Yes... I said towels, more than one! The kicker is he folded them up and put them back under the sink. Thank goodness I noticed they were folded all funky, otherwise my next guests would have had a nice poopy surprise! ack!

jmberrygirl said...

Wow. I live in an apartment with no children and occaisionally get unexplained foul odors. Once it was a little mouse, trapped in the fridge coils and roasting. I am so ready to move into my house and out of that place! Who knows why children do this stuff?

Crystal said...

Wow! This is unreal. I think I would have been so out of my mind. I have three and I have found food in strange places too, but my kids like to sneak and hide food to snack on "later".

Foursons said...

Oh goodness. My boys would have been very sorry for this mistake. How did you punish?

Screwed Up Texan said...

DangGina, Thanks for understanding :)

Amy, On your white towels? Ack! My niece did that once.

Jmberrygirl, Glad y'all found that mouse. Having children brings lots of love, surprises, and curious odors.

Crystal, My kids have that problem hiding food to snack on later...usually its cookies or candy.

Foursons, I made them all take a nap and miss lunch. I took a nap too--and missed lunch as well. Ew!

Expat From Hell said...

It only makes one wonder what they will do to dorm rooms. I can hardly wait. Please let them attend the University of Texas.

EFH

scrappin'soccermama said...

So sorry but I have to laugh -- hiding their uneaten dinner behind the fridge -- that's a good (albeit gross) one!

As a parent of five, I am just thrilled my children haven't thought of that one!

They have, however, thought of playing golf with eggs, dumping sugar in their sisters' hair, and playing in bleach.

Hang in there!

Heather said...

wow, that did make my stomach turn.. chin up and hang in there

JennyMac said...

I just laughed out loud...and then wanted to vomit. I have a 2 year old boy..this is good warning for me.

Screwed Up Texan said...

EFH, Oh man. This means then that I'll also have to save extra deposits. Wait. No. They are saving up.

Scrappin'soccermama, Golf with eggs. That is a new one.

Heather, I know for real. Yuck.

JennyMac, It starts with playing in the toilet, to drawing on the walls, to--well it hasn't ended yet.

Chef E said...

There has to be a ring leader here somewhere...take them all separately into your room and have a tray of scary looking tools, and begin cleaning them as you ask them questions...I know this sounds silly, but I think harsh tactics are in order...they will, or 'he' will only get worse...seriously... :)

ForeverRhonda said...

My son did that a few times, not behind the fridge but in various places around the house, behind the couch...I found a piece of pizza under a guest bed. So it happens to others, just remember we do love them. Most of the time.

CambridgeLady said...

Oh that brings it back!! My two used to "store" their unwanted vegetables under the couch. It soon became apparent how much of my cleaning involves vacuuming around the furniture, rather than ever moving it anyplace! Funny post - thanks for sharing :o)

C.A.Z. said...

That's sure to ruin any appetite but I thank you because I need to cut back on the eating anyway. Wow. I look forward? to having boys.

Lorilee said...

Aren't boys interesting! My 14 year old was showering in a tub that barely drained and never bothered to mention it! It took me several hours to unclog it! The tub was disgusting!
Blessings,
Lorilee

LeAnn said...

Wow! I was going to get on to my son for hiding crackers and cookies in his drawer. But after reading this... I think maybe I'll just leave that one alone.

Screwed Up Texan said...

Chef E, Intimidation and scare tactics...hmm if the CIA can't get away with it, I probably cant either.

Forever Rhonda, Perhaps I should go check under their beds.

Cambridge Lady, Perhaps I should go check under the furniture. I really dont feel like cleaning y'all.

CAZ, I should have put a disclaimer up stating: Warning, this post will cause you to stick to your diet.

Lorilee, Why oh why do boys do this?

Screwed Up Texan said...

LeAnn, Guess its about picking your battles? Don't know, but if you figure it out let me know.

Richard Reeve said...

Wow, the quality of honesty in this post is so refreshing, stink and all. Thanks for calling me back to the way things are.

Mindee@ourfrontdoor said...

Your life is a long-running episode of Malcolm In The Middle.

Makes for great blogging though!

Michelle Johnson said...

Well at least you can't say life's not interesting. I couldn't help but laugh at this post because my daughter used to stuff candy wrappers, cake wrappers and anything else she could get her hands on- she wasn't supposed to be eating- into the arm of a couch we used to own. It was filled almost to the brim when I had found it too. Years worth of things she'd eaten. But, I have to say you sons have upstaged my daughter. Thanks for making my day a bit brighter.

Note, I'm sorry you had to clean all of that up. I know it had to smell terrible. Here's hoping things look up. Have a great day.

Shellgirl said...

Oh sweetie! The joys of living with boys.

My youngest son was traumatized by the potty monster in Look Who's Talking II (he watched it at my mom's house, of all places!). For years, he wouldn't go to the bathroom without someone to stand in there with him.

When the boys were both in school and riding the school bus, I would let them stay home by themselves in the afternoons til I got home, which was about 30 mins. I began to notice this really offensive smell that I couldn't find for months. UNTIL one day when I was emptying the recycling trashcan for our aluminum cans. It REEKED of urine! You guessed it! Older son wouldn't accompany younger son to the bathroom, so he went in the kitchen trashcan instead.

I'm surprised that your dog didn't find that food for you... otherwise, I've learned that not much surprises me in the boys dept!

Love ya!

Shellgirl

Larryk12309 said...

Oh gosh! I hope my kids never read this blog!

They'd be like "Yeah! That's it! Throw the food behind the fridge!
Cool!"

Screwed Up Texan said...

Richard, Is it like this at your home too?

Mindee, You're funny.

Michelle, Perhaps she was recycling? You know stuffing the couch arm with recycled wrappers?

Shellgirl, My boys did the same thing! One day out of nowhere their room smelled rank and that when I found their trashcan with rancid urine in the bottom...I remember dry-heaving.

Larry, Never bookmark my blog. Make sure you erase your browser history. You dont want your kids getting ideas from mine.

chicamom85 said...

I will say a prayer for you. Right now I am kind of glad I have a daughter. Good luck.

Anne

Nancy said...

Aaahhh! That is so terrible . . . and soooo sneaky . . . and clever. Oh how you will all laugh someday . . . in a long long long time.

Miss M.J. Ma'am said...

Have to say I did feel kinda sick after reading that.....pesky kids. Be afraid of what they will do next...ha ha.Been there, don't really miss it. I probably don't remember it all though cause they are 31 and 29 now. Love your site. wish i could leave exclamation marks but my keyboard is messed up and won't be fixed til next week...

tiger khan said...

Me and my siblings use to pour milk under the bathroom door, thinking that our mom wont find out and she would think that we actually drank it ;).. But she always found out.. We were not allowed to go near sinks at milk time.. Or even outside for that matter...

Everyday Girl said...

My mom made us do the cleaning and washing up... and we did it in turns. One day my mom discovered that she did not have pots and pans... there was only one remaining. She started to notice that they had been getting less and less with time. She rounded us all up and asked us if any of us knew where the pots and pans had dissappeared to... innocent wide eyed head shakes were going around the room full of five naughty kids. In truth, only my younger brother knew.... and moments later, my mother got to know. He did the dishes, but hid away the pots and pans.... coz they were just too much work to do! They were somewhere under something or other in the store. All dirty, mouldy, smelly.... but thank God, we never got to smell them!
I think your son's are very entertaining individuals... will make very fun grownups!

Mr Spooky said...

LOL!!! Sorry I shouldn't larf... I just had a flash back... When I was little I didn't want to eat my sausages..... So I put them under the table... hehehehe, mum thought the dog pooped on the floor, till she had a closer look.... Ahhh little boys!! LOL!!!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Chicamom85, So I was talking on the phone with my insurance company and the rep and I were telling eachother our kid horror stories. She said she caught her daughters flinging bananas onto the popcorn textured ceiling...made me feel a little better. :)

Nancy, I hope their kids get them back.

Miss M.J., I live in fear everyday wondering what they will do next.

tiger khan, Sneaky...

Everyday Girl, I am waiting for the day(s) I can get my kids back. ;)

Mr. Spooky, Reminds me of what I did with green beans...

Monkey Snuggles said...

Oh that is disgusting . . . and a little bit hilarious. Easy for me to say, I didn't have to clean it up :)

Janera said...

Enjoyed my visit to your blog today! Now that my kids are older. . . um, never mind. I was going to say it gets better, but who am I kidding?

I am wondering why you cleaned it up instead of having them do it. Maybe a thought for next time?

Because, honey, there will be a next time. lol

hintonrae said...

Oh, my.

Just: oh, my.

I don't really think I can say anything that hasn't already been said. What turkies. I think I would've made them clean it up.

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